Let's Start At The Very Beginning

It is, after all, a very good place to start. And yes, I have considered that one of the reasons I am single is my propensity for quoting musicals.

It also does not help that I don't love to drink, hate clubs, and rarely leave my house except to attend school, theatre and classical music concerts (see the above musicals comment).

"So how do you expect to meet straight, single men?" you (and my roommates and my mom) cry.

Why, the internet, of course!

You can see where this is going...

The subject of Story Number One, who will be referred to as Acne Frog, was one such internet meeting. He was tall and handsome...in his picture, anyway. In real life, he was short, had horrific breath, and was covered in the kind of acne that gets your head flushed in a toilet in middle school.

But he seemed so nice online, and I was still a gullible girl from south of the Mason-Dixon line, so I went to Starbucks with him anyway.

Where twenty minutes into our date, he leans over and attempts to stick his disgusting, presumably acne covered, tongue down my throat!

And if that doesn't seem sufficiently inappropriate to you, you are not from the South. Find your closest redneck or belle and have them explain good ol' fashioned Southern manners to you.

It's ok. I'll wait.

Of course, you're thinking "So, that's it, right? You slapped him and stormed out of Starbucks!"

Wrong.

This poor, gullible Southern belle thought that he might reform his ways after being told (very politely, I might add) to back the hell off. But of course he didn't. As we walked out of the Starbucks towards a park, he grabbed my hand. I, stupidly, let him. And to my great relief, once we sat on a park bench, he let go of my hand.

To grab my breast.

"Have you slapped him yet?"

Nope. Poor, gullible and, might I add, desperate.

I waited until he grabbed my thigh, tried to pull me into him, and told me that he wanted to get to know me better physically to run straight for the nearest subway train.

Lesson learned: Even the thickest layer of Southern charm cannot turn a frog into a prince.