Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Just when you thought it was safe

to re-enter the dating pool...

But it is not sharks we fear, is it? Sharks, after all, are awesome. They have an entire amazing week of ridiculous programming devoted to them on the Discovery Channel. And *identifying detail alert!* I have one tattooed on my foot.

It is, in fact, the frogs, lurking in their muddy bogs, waiting to pounce and give you warts.

Or at least a really awkward date.

So, as you may have noticed, I haven't posted (*cough* been on a date *cough cough*) in a while. Like I said in November, I started graduate school, and have been collecting part-time jobs like a 12 year old boy collects Pokemon (wait...do those even exist anymore?), so I haven't really had time to seriously pursue meeting any of the guys I've been speaking to occasionally online.

But Trader Joe (named for the location of a particularly weird story which Blonde Roommate loves to re-tell!) was very persuasive. We spoke a few times on OkCupid and GChat, and he seemed funny, interesting, and intelligent, and we had quite a few things in common. So, when he asked if we could meet for dinner, I was happy to agree. I was even more happy when he brought me a pink rose and insisted on paying! In any case, we had a very nice time, and I was actually excited to go out again.

I should have known better. The second date started out just as well as the first- nice restaurant, a rose, a promise to pay the bill. But the conversation took an extremely odd turn. He told me a story about his best friend and a trip he was going to take to visit him.

In California.

That's weird, I thought. He was born and raised in New York, and has lived here his whole life. How did his best friend come to be in California?

"So, you know him from college?" I asked.

He laughed. Loudly. Never a good sign.

"Oh, of course not. He's only 17!"

I'll give you the moment I did not have to process that.

Immediately, all of the horrible thoughts that could possibly come up when a 28 year old man describes a 17 year old boy as his best friend began galloping through my head, just in time for them to be replaced with the only thing that could possibly be worse:

"I met him playing Call of Duty on XBox Live"

Ummm...

Uhhh...

Well...

What?...

I literally have no more words for that.

The rest of the conversation was him describing the importance of XBox in his life, and other such fascinating subjects.

I tried to bow out of the remainder of the afternoon by telling him I needed to go clothes shopping for an upcoming trip (which was, incidentally, true). He asked to come with me.

Ummm...

Uhhh...

Well...

If you want...?

And we thus embarked on the fastest trip to Macy's ever, in which I ran through the Women's section, narrating my thoughts like a homeless person so that he wouldn't feel like I was ignoring him, and purchased the first things I saw that had a chance in hell of fitting (AND were on sale- even distracted by a bad date, the Jew in me will save money!).

And then I dropped him off at the train station and left, vowing never to see him again.

Did I keep that vow? Are you really even asking that? Have you read this blog? Go back and read a few entries. Go ahead. I'll wait.

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You're back? Excellent. Then you know that there is a part II to this story coming soon...